Updated: Dec 4, 2018
I think I know why change is so difficult for me sometimes. Forgive me for using a flower metaphor; I know it’s been done countless times already, but flowers are so inspiring, and the cliched writer in me wants to just live this moment.
Imagine being a tiny seed, planted in the soil. You know you’re supposed to blossom one day into this beauty that everyone will adore and admire as they walk past you. Becoming that beauty, however, seems so far away, so difficult, so unattainable because right now, you’re a seedling. However, you trust that change will occur, you’re just not quite sure how. So despite all your worries and doubts, you still have faith in what is to come.
One day, you sprout. It’s a huge breakthrough for you, and you think, nothing can get better than this! And then another day, you emerge from the darkness underneath the soil, and see sunlight for the first time. And then you’re sure nothing else can get better than this! When start earning your leaves, which in turn, help you to grow even more, you think, “At this rate, I’ll touch the sky!” And you keep climbing and climbing towards that goal. Then suddenly, there’s a curve, you start bending and you know deep down that’s as tall as you’re ever going to grow.
It hurts you, and you think that life is not fair. You just wanted to know what the sky felt like. And you mope because your dreams have been crushed, and you’ve come this far, and you not only don’t know what comes next, but there’s a little part of you that doesn’t care. Because it’s not the dream you’ve chased after all this time. So you close off from the rest of the world.
Then one assuming day, you notice a stir beneath the surface, a give in your shell. A tiny crack that somehow reignites that “I think we’re onto something!” feeling you used to have many times before. And before you know it, you realize that the reason you didn’t reach the sky was because you had to grow into something even more beautiful. You understand that you couldn’t bring joy to the people around you if you weren’t as grounded, if you were too tall that you’d see above their heads.
And that dream that you had as a little seedling suddenly makes sense, has suddenly come true in the greatest of plot twists. This is your happily ever after that you’ve wanted for so long.
But as they say, nothing gold can stay.
When the seasons change, and the sun starts to hide away, you feel uneasiness in your roots. You doubt that you’d be able to withstand what’s coming next.
Then one day you look down, and you see a petal. Your petal. It’s browning, decaying, and you’re confused. All of your hard work, and it comes to this? As the days go by, more petals surround you, your leaves wilt, your stem withers away. The You that you’ve cultivated, you’ve nourished, that you’ve come to love is disappearing from this world.
This is the cruel plot twist you didn’t see coming because you didn’t think it was even possible. You’re cursing the god(s), asking “Why me?” You feel betrayed. You see that life is unfair.
It’s only after a few months that you start to feel that stir, and you realize that you’re going to come back again.
This, to me, is why change is so difficult. There’s a lot of energy and work I put into myself, to make myself into the best person I can be. But circumstances arise in my life that demand me to change, and I’m so unwilling because I’ve gotten comfortable. I decide that this is as far as I am going to grow because I’ve dealt with hard work and suffering for so long. I never thought I’d make it so far, so why would I want to go back to a place of doubt... of pain? It’s only until I go through this process over and over again when I begin to understand the value of breaking myself down and building myself back up. And that’s just it. I get so many chances to rebuild myself, to become exactly who I want to be.
And I learn that life is not unfair. It just is.